The Friend Zone

**Yewb** · Joined: 10 Jan 2008 Posts: 3020 Location: Plymouth, UK

Yeah, I can see what you mean. I might've been a little hasty in claiming there are no downsides; that said, I still think it's a good idea to befriend someone (fo realz; none of this "if I hang out with you all the time and buy you things you will suddenly initiate sex") first before entering into a relationship. But yeah, considering for a minute just how much I'd be risking if I started a relationship with my best friend, I can definitely see both sides.

... as well as that, with a best friend you typically have shared activities that you'd do regardless of the other person - shared interests and experiences are what build a strong friendship. For example, my best friend and I worked very closely for the last two years within a uni society, organising fundraising events together - and I'll admit now to having strong feelings for her at the start of our friendship. If things had gone differently and we'd got together, and then broken up, neither of us would feel comfortable within that environment. We're currently living together; I can only imagine how awkward that would be*.

Of course, right now I've kind of gone too far the other way, as my girlfriend and I are separated by the entire width and a lot of the height of the fucking country, so we have fewer shared experiences than I'd like. But, you know, happy mediums and all that.

* actually; one of my best mates from uni broke up with his girlfriend on her doctor's advice, then got with someone else; started living with her, broke up to go back to his ex (who he's still with, and who is awesome) and had to stay living with the second girl while keeping his new (old?) relationship a secret. Tough Times.
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expertwin wrote:

ShadoWolf wrote:

expertwin wrote:

I just want to, you know, get my name out there. BTW, it updates every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Was just the first two, decided to do Saturdays as well.

Serious advice now: No-one likes indecision in their work, so find what you like that you're even remotely good at, and stick with it. Don't flit from one thing to another, because that just smacks of a large lack of determination and drive. And people don't like you for that, and won't remember you for it. I mean, I get that you have a plucky spirit and a willingness to try new things, but there's a limit, man.

I might knock it down to just Thursday and Friday.

JOE2210 wrote:

Leave me alone, I have been drinking and your made up words mean nothing to me.

**Jellu** · Joined: 21 May 2009 Posts: 1647 Location: Finland

Sorry it's so long thread already I won't read it all but here's what I think about what you said in that beginning of this thread (it not old thread so I think things haven't changed too dramtically during these couple of days.

**PiemanLK** · Joined: 03 Dec 2007 Posts: 4711 Location: /export/home

**b.vicious** · Joined: 29 Jun 2007 Posts: 2075 Location: Internet

**Dodongo** · Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 2:52 pm Post subject:

Hey, so haven't been in this thread because I haven't had any problems with the "friend zone" for a number of factors (I have plenty of friends that are girls, btw), the main one being that I always got it in my head that school was for working and messing about haha, uni was for all that. Pretty stupid, even cynical, but girls never really bothered me like that, and I had a fucking great time through high school.

So anyway, what brings me to this thread? Well, it occurred to me that I am in a situation relevant to the topic, so why not post. Long story short, I met a girl, we're going and stuff. However, during this time, she has been texting this other guy (it sounds bad, but they're just friends haha), and he said that he loved her. She didn't know what to do and just carried on treating him the same as before - effectively "friend zoning" him.

Now, I'd just like to offer what I make of it, because that's what this is for, right? To be honest, I think that's a pretty shit thing for him to do. He knew we were an item (I had met him before, and we get on reasonably well), but he still decided to do it. In my book, that's not cool, however I understand that I am biased.

After a while thinking about it, I decided I am ambivalent towards the situation - or rather, any feelings of empathy and understanding are cancelled by the feelings of disappointment. It's really not cool. In the end, I reached my usual conclusion that there is nothing I can do about it, and thankfully I have a lot more self worth than last year and so if she says she loves me, then she does. That's all I need. :>

Anyways, feel free to disect this, I know I'm maybe being a dick but hey.
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"Nine to Five, ain't the same in the wild..."

R.I.P. Sikth. We Love You.

**Nubnut** · Joined: 07 Jun 2008 Posts: 2078 Location: Denver, CO

**youhas** · Joined: 21 Jul 2006 Posts: 3015 Location: Santa Clara, CA

**PiemanLK** · Joined: 03 Dec 2007 Posts: 4711 Location: /export/home

Yeah, but if everyone was youhas-awesome (is that trademarked?) then the world might fall off kilter, kind of like how Hank Johnson thought Guam could tip over due to overpopulation.

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[quote=''Otend'']Id come up with a long post, but Pieman said what we are all thinking, as usual[/quote]
[quote=''youhas'']EDIT TO ADD: Hey, post #3000! Neat! I will eagerly anticipate my set of ScoreHero-branded steak knives within six to eight weeks.[/quote]

**tma** · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 1414 Location: Australia

One thing that strikes me reading threads like this is the propensity for people to seem to believe that, for some reason, women are an alien species that don't follow the same rules of interaction and feelings that men do. This is demonstratibly false.

I don't believe there is such a thing as the "friend zone". This is a made up construct that men (well, boys mostly) use to excuse themselves for not dealing with someone not being interested in them romantically in a mature way - which is to say, by getting the fuck over it and moving on, like an adult should. In other words, taking responsibly for dealing with your own feelings and stop blaming them on the woman in question. They didn't force you to like them, and they don't owe you anything for being a "friend", other than being a friend in return. In fact I'd say that if you think that being a "friend" to a women entitles you to expect something more than that, then you are NOT actually being a friend at all - and that sort of attitude and behaviour is actually a turn-off for women in general and won't get you a girlfriend.

Apologies if that's a little ranty, I've been following a lot of women's rights and anti-bigotry blogs lately, and bad attitudes like this bother me a lot.

**b.vicious** · Joined: 29 Jun 2007 Posts: 2075 Location: Internet

**krisdaschwab912** · Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 6567 Location: UW-Eau Claire

**youhas** · Joined: 21 Jul 2006 Posts: 3015 Location: Santa Clara, CA

**tma** · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 1414 Location: Australia

Sure, but it's not "A Thing" in the sense that all men or women got together and voted on how to deal with people. It's just the particulars of that relationship.

Many people seem to talk about "The Friend Zone" as if it's some kind of female conspiracy, when really it's just part of the nature of relationships in general.

That attraction spark sometimes only happens during the early stage of getting to know someone - if it doesn't happen then, for whatever reason, the spark can go away if you get to know the person really well. That's just the nature of that particular "spark". If you've been in a relationship for longer than a year or two then you're probably familiar with that particular spark lessening, but you still stay in a relationship because the person is your best friend and you work together towards goals. But you generally need that spark to get things started, and if you've been friends with someone for a long time before you try dating them, the spark just might not happen, or be there at all.

Which, again, points to maturity, or rather, inexperience with relationships, as being the cause for all this angst.

Stop blaming the woman for not being interested in you that way (not having that spark).

Stop calling her boyfriend an asshole just because he triggered that spark and you didn't. I'm sure that 95% of these guys actually aren't assholes, and besides, maybe he's just an asshole to you because you keep undermining him and his relationship? Something to think about.

Stop assuming you know what's better for her than she does.

Stop assuming that you're actually that great a catch. If you harbour these sorts of feelings of resentment, and particularly if you let them come out in how you treat others (such as the "asshole" boyfriend) - you're not. You're not being a nice person, and all you're doing by whining about it is trying to paint yourself as a martyr. Stop it, and grow up.